Promise Not To Tell

Your love of horses and all that is associated with owning them often means the necessary involvement of many people, including vets, dentists, physios, breeders, trainers, coaches, close friends, owners, and not least of all, a groom or two or three or four.  While lots of people are inherently involved in keeping your yard running smoothly, perhaps none are as close or more privy to private information as a groom can be.  How then, when a groom is so very important and so very close can professional and personal boundaries be kept intact and secrets be guarded?  Is it possible to have a situation whereby when a groom leaves your employ they will not criticize you or divulge privileged or confidential information to the rest of the very closely intertwined horse fraternity at large?  How can one guard against the worst when your reputation is everything.

Of course this can be a problem in any employer-employee situation but when it comes to grooms they more often than not virtually or literally do live with their employer.  Often a groom is not only the mainstay and indeed the stalwart, of an equestrian operation but much, much more.  They may even be babysitting for you, doing your weekly grocery shop, helping with its consumption, getting your vehicles serviced and gassed up, helping choose your new lounge furniture and even taking your dog or cat to the vet.  They are your oldest child except in this case they are paid to be obedient and not tell you at a thousand decibels to go to hell and to do the job yourself.  There should be no bedroom door slamming.  Usually these people are absolute gems.  And they cannot be lived without.  In fact, nearly always they are gems and nearly always they cannot be lived without.  You certainly see and hear many stories of gems, but what happens when the newly employed expected to be gem is not a gem after all and leaves your employ?  And in particular, what happens when they leave under a cloud?  Or worse what happens when they don’t leave?

The term Generation Y comes rushing to me right now.  It could not be more soul destroying to find that the person you trusted wholeheartedly, had a reckless disregard for your wants and needs, or quite simply did not understand the concept of having to work for the money you pay them?  How do you ever get over the fact that you have poured your heart out to these people, which they have basically ripped out of your chest and ground into the dirt with the thick leather sole of their Jodhpur boot? 

When you watch them walk past a bucket in the paddock that should have been picked up yesterday, or not open the gate wide enough for your multi squillion dollar horse to squeeze through without ripping its flanks asunder, how do you tactfully deal with this?  What about when you find your groom cuddling your horse’s head tightly after it has been sedated, and is posing for a selfie that will sport the caption ‘How cute, he luffs me!’ on FB in two seconds flat.  But he is in fact struggling to breathe and the vet has to interject before your prized possession crumples at the knees, goes all shades of purple, and dies right before you from asphyxiation.  How do you protect yourself from being labelled the A hole for firing these people?  And maybe more importantly how do you stop them from spreading truths or untruths about you?  Do you get busy and creatively begin a smear campaign yourself to get in first and which will hopefully be believed above and beyond whatever it is your ex groom is likely to be or is purportedly saying about you?  Or do you take the moral high ground and hold your head up knowing you were right and tell yourself this too shall pass, people who know me will believe in me?   Do you take satisfaction in the knowledge that Karma is great?  Or do you sit under a blanket and wail? 

I’m not sure of the answer but I wonder if maybe a confidentiality and/or an employment contract should be signed before employment commences, and good boundary setting and the personal values expected be clearly set out.  At the very least if you have your piece of paper you will perhaps have the satisfaction of waving it while you are wailing under your blanket.

I understand the desperation felt by many busy horse people who are entirely reliant on their helpers particularly in the midst of a showing season.  I certainly remember an occasion when I had three children under the age of five and my friend called me.  Sobbing into the phone, she said she had just found her husband in bed with her ironing lady.  I looked at my ironing actually cascading out of the laundry door and spilling into the hallway and I replied to my friend, “Did she finish the ironing?”  It seemed at the time to be the priority.

I also understand how difficult it is to want to show someone the door but be so reliant upon them it just isn’t an option.  I’m certain the only way to try to avoid bad situatations is to be covered legally against any confidences being leaked if the employment comes to an abrupt end.  And if you have this certainty a long period of notice can be worked while you find another person.  Also, you can protect yourself by having established ftrom the outset really strict boundaries so there is a red light in place to make someone think twice before sharing secrets or confidences or trashing your reputation.   A steadily accruing fund paid into weekly by the employer that the employee only receives at the satisfactory completion of employment, providing all terms of the contract have been met, is perhaps an added security.  I’ve heard of big yards insisting that no employee be allowed to witness their boss’s training sessions.  There are the establishments that do not allow staff to enter the main house.  They provide cooking facilities in the groom’s accommodation and let them get on with it.

Of course there is a flip side here.  A confidentiality or employment contract will not only go some way toward protecting the employer but equally it will help to protect the employee.  Grooms work very, very hard.  They do long hours and are more often than not expected to go without weekends off and they don’t seem to be out there complaining, ever. Understandably, there’s often a great deal of temperamental behavior displayed by these high performing equestrians that grooms probably have to let wash over them.  Everyone is under pressure.  Competitions can be a high stress situation.  Sadly, more often than not, the day is going to come when a loyal groom who is infact a gem, will not be able to continue putting up their umbrella and pretend that it’s raining rather than face that they have had too much thrown at them.  They are going to leave, possibly under a dark cloud and they are going to take up residence at another yard where the cycle will begin again if steps are not taken to avoid this.

Written by Heather Cato 2016 ©