Struggling For Closure

On many levels, I found this article incredibly difficult to write.  Several of the world’s top and highly respected event riders are currently hospitalised or incapacitated from the result of serious head and neck injuries received while competing their horses.  This has at the very least interrupted the direction of their UK event season, the all-important one leading up to Rio Olympics 2016.  I too suffered a serious life changing head injury many years ago, so the subject matter was close.  But here we are talking about a vibrant young girl, twenty years old, her carefree life filled with hope and great prospects all ahead of her.  In a split second, when her very experienced and much treasured horse inexplicably had a rotational fall at a tiny cross country jump, everything changed, and her life was permanently altered.  On a positive note, at the end of my lengthy conversation with Sophie McCormack, we concluded that while things will never be the same as before, there is every chance that her future will perhaps be better than it might have been without this near death experience.

The accident was five months ago, on the 24th May 2015, and Sophie says it still feels as if it were only yesterday.   The reason being that she doesn’t remember anything at all from the day itself or one month afterwards.  Airlifted to Coventry Hospital, she was immediately admitted into the Intensive Care Unit and put into an induced coma.  She remained in the coma for a week and was then moved to Lemmington Hospital where she stayed for a further seven weeks.  During the first four weeks post-accident, while Sophie ‘woke’ from the coma and was to all intents and purposes aware of her surroundings, even talking to her family, she has no recollection of this time.  A month was permanently erased from her memory.  Each day during this period and sometimes more than once a day, repeated explanations of why she was in hospital were necessary.  Sophie was not told of what had happened to Pete, until her memory had improved which was around six weeks after the accident.  Up until that point, her short term memory was very poor and she could not grasp why she was even in hospital.  She did not know that she had ever ridden horses or owned them.  Then she began to ask if she had fallen from horses she had owned more than ten years ago.

Heartbreakingly, Sophie was dealing with her brain being in a mass state of trauma and the knowledge of what had become of her much treasured NZ thoroughbred that had fallen at jump number one.  Luckily (if you can use this word in the same breath as speaking of this accident) Pete did a kind of buck in mid-air and half fall, that threw Sophie clear of being landed on very heavily.  This movement of Pete’s at half fall, was his last act (wittingly or unwittingly) of giving his all to his mistress, an act that without which, Sophie would have irrefutably been killed outright. 

Sophie told me, with a slight lift in her voice, “I have never been graceful.  I landed on my cheek bone and eye.  My head hit the floor and my brain sloshed around inside my skull resulting in me receiving at best, a shaken baby effect.  I remember waking up in hospital but actually I’d been there for a month.” 

Another very important factor in Sophie’s survival of this shocking fall, aside from Pete’s little mid-air buck that threw her clear, is her brand new first time ever to be worn, Gatehouse helmet, a new model just brought out, the Rxc1.   Sophie had spent the preceding spring on crutches, all the time desperate to get back on her horse, and she attributes this to her awareness of a need for safety.  “I could not actually afford a new helmet.  But I had an idea that this was something I must see to and go ahead with.  I wanted my equipment to be up to scratch.  I almost didn’t buy it.”

While Sophie has struggled with the physical result of this accident, she has, as one would imagine, been challenged psychologically.  She has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and this has made her recovery much more difficult to deal with.  It was unclear to her as to what exactly at any given time would be attributable to her body letting her down.  It took her months to distinguish between the cause of her depression and fatigue.  Was it from the psychological impact or the physical, each requiring a different way of being dealt with.  If Sophie sees her symptoms as being physical, this will have her heading to the gym.  If they are psychological, she will spend hours looking through albums at special photos of herself and Pete sharing happy times.  While she is able now to act accordingly to best take care of her body’s needs, she was initially referred to a psychologist, whom she saw twice.  “This didn’t really help me all that much,” Sophie said.  “It didn’t help talking about an accident that I had absolutely no recollection of.  Pete had died and I really couldn’t grasp this.  Because I don’t even remember being at the event.  Let alone falling off.   It wasn’t real.  So it’s not like I got any sort of closure.  The last thing I remember is plaiting him the night before.”

One day I was leaving university for the weekend to compete at Rockingham Horse Trials 1*, the very first event of the season.  I had travelled home by train and was at the event the following day.  Apparently, I rode into the start box and I was very chatty.  This tells me I was a bit nervous.  I was a little ahead of the time I’d usually allow in the start box.  And Pete, while he wasn’t rearing, he was very excited and full of enthusiasm.  I’m grateful now for those extra few minutes of excitement.  His adrenaline would have been rushing before we even started.  It would have helped him….”

 “If I’d done this to myself and it had not involved, Pete, it wouldn’t have mattered the same.  The hardest part is the fact that, Pete died and I don’t remember.  It is awful.  He was my best friend and I wasn’t there for him in his last fifteen minutes.  My sister lay with him and comforted him.  I’m thankful for that.  The vets were only seconds away.  They quickly assessed him and made the decision to put him to sleep.  I was next to him but couldn’t do anything.  If he’d died of old age or I’d made the decision to put him to sleep and I’d been there actively involved it would be different.  I wanted to be aware of the process as horrific as it was.  And now I’m struggling for closure.”

Sophie is trying to be positive and she’s coping admirably, in spite of a constant feeling of being on a moving boat.  She’s tried to detach herself a bit from the emotional side of her accident’s repercussions, rather than allowing herself to get very upset and inhibit her recovery.  “It’s all been a bit of a vicious cycle,” she says.  She has thrown herself into exercise and hopes to get better physically then look back and deal with the psychological trauma.   Otherwise, she says she ends up going around in circles.  She’s adamant that talking about an event she has no recollection of, does not help.  “Talk changes nothing,” she says.  “Pete was alive after the fall.  Vets, and onlookers say he simply didn’t lift properly at the jump.  He hit it with his chest.  Nobody could explain exactly what happened though.”   

Pete did not suffer.  Because it was the first jump, several vets were right there and only ten to twenty seconds away.  He was very relaxed and he was quietly put to sleep.  “He had never fallen in all of his career,” Sophie said.  “I don’t like the idea that I was so ill lying next to him and him worrying about that.”

As soon as she could, Sophie turned her attention to gaining as much information possible regarding head injuries.  The effect of them.  Taking a more scientific approach, she tried to find out what is most common for people to go through.  It was painful for her to come to terms with what she didn’t remember happening.  “I think getting better physically and being proactive, is going to help me more right now than delving deeply into things psychological.”

Initially, Sophie was due to stay at Lemmington Hospital for seven to eight months but after a month she was discharged.  Then a month later, of her own accord, she went to Oaksey House in Oxford, which is a rehabilitation centre set up initially by Lord Oaksey, the grandfather of one of her good friends, for injured jockeys.  This fantastic facility offers ongoing highly specialised treatment and rehabilitation for injured sporting people from all sports and all levels of their sport. 

Luckily, Sophie’s mother, being a keen follower of horse racing, knew of Oaksey House.  But for this and Sophie’s friendship with Lily Bradstock, the granddaughter of Lord Oaksey, Sophie would have never known the place existed.  Arguably, without Oaksey House, she was likely to have made limited progress resulting in very poor movement patterns that would have become the norm.  As it is, Sophie was only recently back on a horse and she went for a lovely ride that she enjoyed immensely, although she was very aware that should the horse shy, her body would not have been coordinated enough to avoid falling, and the feeling of being on a moving boat made balance difficult.  I questioned Sophie’s decision to ride again and she assured me that her Doctors and Physios all say this injury is just as likely to happen while doing everyday mundane things, so if riding is her great pleasure then by all means enjoy. 

Sophie has been told that her double vision and loss of balance, indeed most of her symptoms, the main ones being fatigue and proprioception, will have mostly subsided in eighteen months’ time.  Her eye sight and blurred vision will take at least two years to correct fully.  Balance and correct movements, issues Sophie has been working very hard with have dramatically improved.  Some of the very basic things to do with our health that we perhaps take for granted, Sophie has had to learn to do again.  For instance, she has learned to walk again, to eat, drink and swallow again, and she has built up the originally very poor strength in her left side and she has regained her coordination.  “I am on no medication and wasn't for my last month in hospital.  Also, I get no headaches, which is incredibly rare for the level of trauma I sustained.”

Sophie is currently exploring ways in which to work with governing bodies, namely British Eventing, to set up a scheme for every rider, not just those on World Class, so they too if unfortunate enough to suffer a serious accident in competition, would be contacted by British Eventing and given a list of highly recommended places for rehabilitation and other key information.  While Sophie refers specifically to head injuries, she hopes this will spread to include other injuries too.  Then if someone has an accident outside of riding, or not in a BE event, they can contact BE and be informed.  Sophie would like there to be closer ties between BE, Oaksey House, Headway (the leading head injuries charity) and the Mark Davis Injured Riders' Fund.  “I'm hoping that all of this will ensure no one has to feel as isolated and lost as I did.”

Sophie says this is only a starting point in her new found vision for the future and she is sure this support programme can be extended and built upon, but for now it would be a huge step in the right direction.  “In light of my accident and now William's (William Fox Pitt) too, it has become impossible for BE and the sport to deny that head injuries do happen.  There’s a need I think for making people realise just how serious head injuries are and the enormous repercussions not just for those who’ve suffered the injury.  It’s life changing for everyone involved.  A head injury leaves you isolated, depressed and severely fatigued.  There are very few, not even my closest friends and family, knowing how to help.”

Sophie believes she is a much stronger person now.  “I am mentally significantly stronger and more determined.  I’m focussed and driven.  It’s because of everything I’ve been through so far and will continue to go through.  Going from being unable to move in bed and being fed through a tube to where I am now doing an intense strength and conditioning session six days a week is insane progress and I’m honestly not sure how I got here.  Coming face to face with death has also made me far more aware and very reluctant to waste any time in my life.”

Interestingly, Sophie has discovered a more emotional side to her personality that she definitely did not have prior to her accident.  She places a greater value now on close family ties and the need for aware, better informed and supportive people to be around her.  She says that where she once may have been almost cold and a bit harsh, she is now a lot more forgiving and understanding of people’s weaknesses.  In short, she has been dealt a very tough life changing blow, a trauma that has made her wiser and taught her lessons that she believes will carry her far in the next stage of her journey.  Sophie will return to University next year, a year behind her peers but with a new perspective regarding the importance of making every moment count and also striving to be the best she can be in her chosen career.  At this stage she says she would like to pursue her interest in politics and political studies.  

“In the meantime, while I’m still healing and working hard to overcome the effects of my accident, it is very difficult.  It’s very isolating.  I was always the strong one and I know my family and friends find it hard to see the change in me and perhaps deal with this.   Hopefully, this is the lowest point in my life.  As much as my friends and family feel sad for me, no one can ever truly understand my struggle without having experienced it.” 

Raising brain injury awareness https://www.gofundme.com/p7bffubw